Stripping

It has been a wee while since my last post. Well, technically the definition of 'wee' is "little; very small; tiny; minuscule" so if 18 months is your definition of wee, then we are all good to proceed! (If not, just go with it!) The timing of my last post was to herald the countdown to one of the biggest adventures of my life, climbing the 'roof of Africa' Mount Kilimanjaro. It was all about the prep, the packing, what to take, what not to take, advice, training and all the other key things you would expect to follow on the lead up to this awesome challenge. Don't fret reader, this isn't a doom & gloom post, I did make it to the roof of Africa and I am incredibly proud that, along with my two best friends, we made it there and back in one piece with very little drama - but lots of tears, laughter, memories, newly forged friendships and an abundance of pride! But life got in the way of keeping a blog up to date with all of the training, the purchases, the packing, what I decided to take, what I left behind and all that jazz. Everyday life continues during this time of preparation and one of the casualties of this was blogging. It's a shame, as I found it a great outlet to share my random ramblings, babble and general witterings that crowd my grey matter throughout the day. It's a bit like therapy. Without the expensive therapist and leather chaise lounge. And you dear reader, don't charge me. Awesome! 

Everyday life often does get in the way of things that you were once passionate about. Somethings we can control, other things we can't. We can try to hang onto these 'things', be they habits or hobbies, but sometimes we lose our grip and let it go. With all the will in the world, you want to hold onto it but it slips from your grasp. Some may say that if you were truly passionate about it then you would hold on with both hands, tie a brick to it, wrap a rope around it, do all you can to make sure that it wouldn't slip away from you but it's not always that easy. I have been the culprit of having a slightly weak grip on a few things that I haven't been able to maintain my grasp on and, unbeknown to me, they have had a concertina effect on other things that have subsequently been let go of. It's snowballed and gathered momentum but I feel it's now time to put the brakes on the momentum, chuck it in reverse and re-establish a mighty grip on a few 'things'. 

A lot of the posts on my blog have been running related. I started running properly i.e. Frequently training & entering races, a few years back, and it was awesome! It became a huge part of my life and I'm sure I bored everyone around me to tears with my constant chitchat about training runs, miles I had run, events I had entered, my thresholds or hill sessions, how my Garmin wouldn't get satellite signal until a few minutes into my run. Damn, I'm yawning just writing this! But I didn't care because I LOVED running. I loved how it made me feel, physically and mentally and I couldn't wait to don my trainers and head out the door for another run pretty much as soon as got back from one. I took on some brilliant challenges and was very proud of all my achievements. It culminated with me completing my first ultra in January of his year, Country to Capital - 45 miles from Wendover to Paddington. It was a hard slog, both the training and on the day itself, but again, I was so proud of my achievement of completing it, and thankful for all the amazing support from family & friends on the run up to and on the day itself (spare a thought for Sam & Lucy having to take public transport to meet me at a checkpoint #BusWankers, my Mum who 2weeks before had a transplant but still came to meet me at the finish line and also for poor @UltraBoyRuns for having to listen to me moan & waffle on for 10 hours; you guys deserve a special medal for that alone!) The post event pride and sense of achievement remained for a while but I soon found that I had floundered with my running. Whether I took too much  time off to recover or the post event blues got a tighter grip on me than I realised or if for another reason I can't pinpoint was to blame I don't know but I found I literally couldn't be arsed to run. Nothing seemed to make me want to get the ol' trusty trainers back on and    clock up some miles. Not even my expanding waistline was motivation. Nor was thinking back to how good running made me feel. Those once addictive endorphins or skinny jeans were not a big enough dangled carrot to tempt me out to pound the pavements or trails. This 'thing' had slipped from my grasp. 

In the months that followed, I had a fleeting return to running & exercise and a brief resurgence of the buzz of endorphins. I signed up to a 90 day online diet & exercise plan in an attempt to give me focus and reinvigorate the discipline I once had. But again, I allowed my grip on these things to loosen and my enthusiasm waned. Work got incredibly busy. Family illness. My heart got broken (as did my toe in a totally unrelated incident!!) Did I mention that work got busy!? Excuses? Probably. People going through worse things? Absolutely. But we all cope differently under pressure and something has to give. Turns out, I gave up a few things. The things that I previously prioritised high up the list slipped down the rankings and pretty much off the page. I tried on various occasions to reestablish a few good habits but they never lasted long.  This isn't a woe is me post and please don't think that I've been a miserable mardy arse since January wallowing & skulking about in my own self pity with my face tripping me. I haven't. I've been active, I've done some awesome fun things, got outside, climbed some mountains, binged watched Netflix, been on a family holiday of a lifetime, met awesome people, laughed until I cried and made some brilliant memories. But all with my spark shining a little duller than before. So, "great", I hear you say (if you're still with me & haven't stopped reading) "you've told us that you used to love running, your hand strength has been a bit shoddy and you've lost your grip on some 'things';  you ran an ultra, you stopped liking running, you put on weight and some good & not so good stuff about your year. So what, EmLa, what's the post actually about?" Well, I'll tell you, just bear with me a wee while longer, I promise it won't be 18 months before I get to the answer! 

During the year, I have read many, many social media posts, blogs and listened to many a podcast in the search of reigniting my spark. Many of these have reiterated things you and I already know help to inspire and encourage us to have a 'happy and contented' life, from a good balanced diet to exercise to planning fun thing so to do, keeping a thankful journal and daily affirmations to name a few. I am not mocking, knocking or criticising these methods or lifestyle choices, they are around as proven methods that help people in various ways. Each to their own and what works for one won't work for another, you have to do what you believe in and what suits you. What I do find challenging is that in a quest to find my spark, I found myself overwhelmed with advice, tips (this is the correct word, 'hacks' makes me a little bit angry!) and suggestions on how I can be happier and content in my life. Some offered tips  that were/are useful, others I felt would take up my entire day writing post it note reminders of what I should be doing/feeling at a particular time of the day. In essence, I found the volume of advice, tips and tricks to be a tad overwhelming and all a bit much! Yes, I sought out these posts and podcasts, so may have brought it on myself but I realised that in a quest to find the magic solution of regaining a bit my missing flare, that there was no such thing. It  doesn't exist. It can't be found on a blog or IG post or amongst the mele of podcasts out   there. Advice is there to be taken if you want it and we are all guilty of being drawn into a rabbit hole of posts, videos and episodes looking fir the answer. But what I have found to be the common denominator in all of the social media posts is that it can make you feel shit. Totally shit about your life, about how you feel and look. You unwittingly compare yourself to others and bench yourself against their posted achievements, such as their ability to balance a busy life with the same challenges you have to deal with but they are coping MUCH better than you; how they manage to have a good hair day every goddam day despite having curly hair and it's raining and their lives are just brimming with happiness and yours feels like a bit of a mess. Clearly leaving the reader or listener with this feeling is not the intention of those who post, well I hope it's not! But in this age where we have constant access to sharing every aspect of our lives online comes the inevitable feeling of not being good enough. I'm not talking about everyone here - there is nothing wrong with celebrating your own awesome achievements, whatever they may be. Damn it, celebrate that shit & shout it from the roof tops. I guess the 'watch out' is to the reader of said post; be happy, genuinely pleased for that person and their achievement but remember it's their journey, a snapshot of their life that they have chosen to share. It's not a 100% reflection of their daily life. And it's not to be compared to you and yours. But you know that, right? I do but on occasions it slips from my mind. Especially when I'm finding it hard to keep a grasp on 'things'. What I've learned is, the main 'thing' is to strip back everything to the basics; I am me, unique, annoying, quirks and all. I don't need to follow a plan or programme to make me happy (or should I say happier). The only way to get my spark back is to stop comparing myself to others,  trust in myself, stop worrying what others think about me and do what I enjoy, for the sheer enjoyment of it and that should be enough. I'll find my spark along the way. (And I'll work on my grip strength too). 

Taking a break

We all need a rest from certain things to reinvigorate our passion for it, to remind ourselves why we do what we do, be that a work project or a hobby. I, took this taking a break thing, fairly literally and decided that the best way to take a rest was to break my ribs, thus forcing me into a self imposed period of rest & reflection. The positive is that I had a lot of fun prior to and after the breakage with my friend’s husband and his friend. C’mon now! Not like that, tsk! We were taking part in the 10k Monster Race obstacle event in the wonderfully (painfully!) hilly grounds of Cornbury Park, Oxfordshire on 18^th April. It was mudtastically, swamptastically challenging and sadistically, highly enjoyable right up until I tried to haul myself out of the water and allowed my ribs to meet the edge of the plastic pontoon with some force. I knew I had ‘knackered’ my ribs (pretty sure I used another word though!) but as we were so close to the end, I kept on keeping on. I had race bling to claim. And a water slide to lob myself down to get it. Long story short; slid down slide, got through the ‘meat crusher’ tyre thing, climbed stupidly high wall, claimed medal, used a tonne of baby wipes, put on foil blanket, went into shock, visited hospital, got high on industrial strength codeine for 10 days & kept nodding off, pain subsided and here we are four and a bit weeks later.

Now, some may say this period of ‘rest & reflection’ was more akin to ‘grumpiness & general tetchiness’ – and they would be right! I have not coped well with not being able to do something when I have really, really wanted to. I mean, yes, it has made me think things through, assess what I really get out of running and exercise, what happens when I don’t do it, what goals I want to set myself when I am back being able to put one foot in front of the other at an acceptable speed that represents ‘running’. But maaaan, it has been a mental struggle during this enforced down time. I have always known that I have run for two main reasons – to keep me fit and keep the weight I worked so hard to lose off and most importantly, to keep me sane. Frustration levels have reached an all time high during this rest period, especially when I had to miss out on a 20 mile training walk (I’m climbing Kilimanjaro in September with my two best friends) I mean, not even being able to walk?! Gggrrr! I have also been incredibly envious of my Twitter feed with all of the fab training, racing & general miles of enjoyment that the people I follow have been able to do. In actual fact, there has been pretty much radio silence from me over the past month on Twitter (Oi, you, no cheering please!) bar the odd sporadic tweet. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about my followers or those I follow, I just feel that I wasn’t in the right place to contribute. It’s funny because Twitter is *the* most supportive & encouraging place to be when you need it the most, i.e. at times like this! With this in mind, you can see how it’s become a struggle for me. I know it sounds dramatic, and boy, I can be such a drama queen at times, and this is not a ‘woe is me’ post but it really has been an interesting/challenging time, for sure!

NB: Just to note, Maltesers are lovely an’ all, but they are not supportive or encouraging, other than they encourage your weeble-while-you-can’t-run-status to grow. This is taken from firsthand experience and is a warning to you all!

Things have started to improve this week and although not 100% in the rib & surrounding area, I took myself off to the gym for a wee trot on the dreadmill to test out how I coped with a run. I was nervous. One, of being back in the gym after 4 weeks out after spending the time I would normally be training (at the gym or running) stuffing my face with non-supportive Maltesers and two, if my ribs weren’t healed enough, of doing more damage and putting me out for longer. Nobody wants that, believe me! I chose the dreadmill rather than the road for cushioning purposes. Believe me, it’s not my first choice for running, as the name suggests! Long and short, it went OK; a gentle 5k plod and minimal pain during running. My ribs and surrounding chest & back muscles ached like billio the next day but not enough to put me off going back on Tuesday for another 20 minute trot and some leg work. The aches and pains on Wednesday prevented me from even considering giving it another go though. Slowly, slowly, catchy whatsitsface and all that!

I had drawn the line in the sand a good few weeks back (see previous blog entry) and although I had adopted the carefree non-pressured approach to running,  I feel that this (enforced) break has done me so much good. I had lost my way a little with running after doing so many events last year and I had left my sense of enjoyment and ‘runners high’ somewhere on one of my running routes. But now, although I am taking it very slowly for the next few weeks and must remind myself not to get carried away, I’m ready to start getting out of running & exercise the very things I forgot I loved so much about it all. The goals have been set and will be worked towards – getting back to being fit & healthy, successfully climbing Kilimanjaro in September and completing Country to Capital 45 mile Ultra in January 2016. And any breaks will be planned ones only!